Battling Discontentment

I am in a unhappy season of life.  I battle discontentment at every turn.  Randomly, throughout the day, I think to myself, "I'm so unhappy with my marriage."  "I'm so unhappy with living in Asia."  "I have HAD it with this apartment."  "I can't live here forever, these people are driving me CRAZY!" 

For the first time in a long time, I begged God to teach me in my quiet time this morning.  Most mornings lately have been a routine.  (Oh, that was a sweet Psalm.  Oh, I like that story from Luke.) But this morning I guess I'm sick enough of my Woe Is Me attitude, and I'm sick of the look on my husbands face when he asks "Whats wrong?" and I scream "EVERYthing!"

I want so share some of what I wrote in my quiet time this morning.

Nowhere in Scripture does God promise that we will be happy or satisfied by earthly things.  Our satisfaction is only found in Him.  This earth brings no lasting joy or contentment, and when I begin racing harder to find it, I should realize I'm running for smoke and mirrors.  Lean back into the arms of Jesus and rest in His discipline, Christine.

Job 10

 I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint.  I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. 

Why in the world do I feel like I can sympathize with Job?  He lost his possessions, family, health, dignity.  I have lost... nothing. 

Nothing has ever been taken from me.  I have an amazing, attentive husband. I have experienced the wonder and joy of carrying and birthing a child, and now spend my whole day being with her instead of leaving her with a stranger so I can go to work.  I have an adorable, comfortable apartment with a dog who cracks me up.  I have my family and my husbands family who love me and encourage me.

But mostly, I have the joy of being able to GO because nothing was holding me down in America... how many people would love to GO but can't because of health, financial or family problems?  I'm the envy of so many for that reason alone.

And yet I complain.

As I write this, I know my battle is not over.  Where does my  discontentment stem from?  It must be pride.  My expectations.  Nothing is ever enough.  My husband is good to me, but why does he forget to take out the trash.  My daughter was given to us after years of prayer, but why has He only given us one?  I finally have an apartment with hot water and reliable electricity, but now I want one with more bedrooms. 

Seriously?  Ugh I'm so SICK of my whiny attitude.  I know my husband is, too.  Many things have worn on our marriage... but I would rather re-live that winter with no electricity and no hot water than to keep living in this state. 

We're told to "confess our sins to one another", so I guess that's what I'm doing.  A lesson in humility is so important, and it's easy for me to go on letting you all think I've made the ultimate sacrifice and am happy for it.  The truth is, I'd be just as miserable in America because the truth is:

 a spoiled heart is an insatiable heart.

A mother and father can give the spoiled child hope when they stop giving the child everything they want.

I truly get almost everything I want.

I'm starting to understand our call to prayer and fasting.  I did a juice fast last month just to help my metabolism speed up, and I also got a bonus of loosing a few lbs.  During the fast I was so concentrated on the good it would do my physical body, but when it was done I realized what good it had done my attitude.  I had to try extra hard not to be irritated at every. little. thing.  I bit my tongue when I was hungry but my husband brought home yummy spicy noodles. 

Denying my flesh it's desire of food not only made me healthy in body, it made me healthy in spirit.  I'm not sure when or how long, but I can't believe I'm actually excited about another fast.  So pray for me, keep me accountable and maybe even join me!

I can feel the hope welling up in my chest that this season of discontent will end and my joy in the Lord will return.