Dreams Never Said, Dreams Come True

I'm going to take a break from my usual silly self today.  I have a migraine, so I'm killing time and trying to relax by checking out photography websites, fun girlie blogs and drinking a yummy cup of instant coffee bought from Leanna's Bakery. 

The combination of those things is making me feel all nostalgic.

Looking at some of these photography blogs, I can feel my heart swell and ache!  Oh, man... to get my hands on that camera and just click until there is no more sunlight.  It made me realize some things.  I have some dreams never said, and some are pretty outrageous.  Hm? What's that- you want to hear? Ok. I'll tell you.

• I want to be a professional photographer.  I want a camera lens so big that it gives me back problems.  I want to photograph everything.  Capturing our break-neck speed life frozen in a picture fascinates me.  I want to sit at a Duke-UNC game and get the Cameron Crazies at their best (or should I say "worst"?)  I would love to have a year of my life devoted to sports photography- I soak up Scott's Sports Illustrated magazines pictures- except of soccer.  boooring.     I want to be a wild life photographer.  Give me a hide-out, some granola bars and coffee, and I could wait the 13 hours to finally capture the terrifying mystery of African wildlife or even kooky bugs and snakes in the Amazon. I also want to travel all around this amazing country I live in (China) and capture the dying traditions that Western culture is eradicating.  I want to go home and dress up all 6, soon to be 7 of my nephews and nieces, and take pictures of them with their mammas and daddies who I love and miss so much.

I would also like to get one of those under-water cameras and take pictures of whales and dolphins... but Scott would have to hold my hand the whole time because I'm terrified of drowning.  I'm a strong swimmer and you can't drag me out of the pool once I'm in, but scared of drowning.  What's up with that?

• I still want to be a cowgirl.  I wish I could go back and be one of the original pioneers in the West, because I would ROCK at that.  I want to wear those long, lady-like dresses, ride my wagon into town to get sacks of flour and sugar and lard, then go back to the log cabin my husband built with his hands and get all 12 of our kids to help with the chores in the barn while I sew their winter quilts and tend to the vegetable garden.  Then, when winter comes, we'll all head down to Texas to round up some long-horns.  In this scenario, though, I'd like to be a blonde, again.  I think it would look better with the leather boots.  See proof below:

Me, when I was a "blonde cowgirl" in 2006 working on a horse farm



• I want to go back to visit all of my old foster homes. I think there were 5.  When I was 16, my mom and dad took me to see my foster parents who ran a chicken farm--nothing but good memories in that home. I was 3.  So many details I remembered perfectly, but some, I realized, I had dreamed and created... like the magnolia tree in the front was not the sprawling climbable tree I thought it was. It was teeny. 

I remember the name of the road I lived on when I was in the 3rd grade, so I looked it up on Google Maps last night, and was amazed that I remembered the details of every road nearby, the church parking lot up the road, and the houses beside us and the people who lived in them.  That house holds so much mystery for me.  It feels like it wasn't my life- like it was some one elses life, but I know every detail of what went on behind those walls.  That was not a happy place, but for some reason I still want to go back.  Maybe going back will bring some closure, I don't know.

On that note, I also want to go and find one of the counselors who observed me as a 3 year old.  I read my old case files.  Her prognosis: "Geneva (yup that was my name) has been exposed to too much.  She will never be normal."

I'd love for her to see me now. (so I can break her thumbs.) but.... She's so right.  I'm not normal.  I'm happily married, I'm a loving, nurturing mother, I am learning one of the hardest languages in the world and cook great Mexican food.  I've ridden the longest escalator in the world (which isn't as thrilling as it sounds) seen one of the Wonders of the World, been to 10 countries* before I turned 25 and plan on seeing at least 20 more. My family and my husbands family combined make up some of the most extraordinary people on planet Earth... and some of them aren't even from here. (haha)
I'd love to say all this to that counselor with a smile on my face... but would probably still sit in a bathroom stall afterwards and cry my eyes out because those words will always hurt.

On that note, I also want to be a counselor for families with adopted children.  ...so I guess another sort-of dream of mine is to finish college, then get my masters degree in public services or something of the sort.

• I want more children... but more than that, I want to be surprised with a pregnancy.  I've always wondered what it would feel like to wake up feeling sick, and then take a pregnancy test and be shocked.  I'm so sick of ticking off my calendar, taking ovulation tests and taking a pregnancy test 2 days early even though I KNOW it's going to be negative.  

•   I want to give birth again, but I also can't wait to adopt.  We recently found out we can become foster parents for some orphans right here in our city, and that might help the adoption process go smoother.  I also want to adopt an older child, long down the road.  I was rescued when I was 9, and I think I would like to do the same for a child.... there are so many more out there who, once they turn 5, have about a 6% chance of ever being adopted.  I'm only 26, so this is a dream of mine that's about 10 years away.

So... those are dreams that might come true one day.  (Except going back in time.) But I have a lot of dreams that have already come true.  You want to hear those, too?  Ok.

• I was adopted. I got my "forever family".  I was in the 6%.  :-)

• A handsome, romantic man pursued me, asked my father for permission to date me, then asked again for permission to marry me. My Dad said yes.  Thanks, Dad.
• I had a fairy- tale, summer-time, beautifully simple wedding.
• Back when we lived in the States, I had a cute house in the country-side... no picket fence, but an accidental pumpkin patch, and a little array of flowers I fiddled with every weekend.
• I have met my birth parents, and was thrilled to learn that my biological father was not the monster I'd been told he was.  He is a successful, sweet, gentle man who, despite facing the loss of his children in an unfair custody battle, has no bitterness because of his faith and trust in Jesus.  This is another story for another day.
• I have ridden a horse on the beach.  ....on an exotic, Thailand beach!
• I live in a different country! Every day I learn new words and things about the culture.
• I have a baby.  A beautiful, one-toothed, nonsense- babbling, toe-chewing, baby girl.  I can die happy, now.

I hope you enjoyed this peek into my heart today!  What are your dreams?





*the ten countries I've been to:
Ukraine
England
Norway
Dominican Republic
Belize
Honduras
China
Thailand
Hong Kong
Taiwan
(Honk Kong and Taiwan technically are a part of China, but they have their own culture, language and currency... so I'd say they are different)