She does him good, and not harm

I have been in a season of discovery, lately, in my quiet times.  A few weeks ago I found myself at the mercy of severe hormone swings and feelings that looked a lot like depression, especially concerning my marriage.  Looking back in my journal dates and the times I have written about this "depression", it has all been in sync with the "inconvenient" time of the month- which I've read is normal, and most women feel their most vulnerable at that time.

Even though this seems 'normal', the depths of despair still scared me because I find great joy in my marriage and I don't like feeling trapped by emotions I knew weren't mine.  What a blessing it was to need the Lord in a new way... I haven't leaned so heavily on Him in a long time.

With the coming of the New Year, I thought it would be a good idea to look afresh at Proverbs 31, and take some examples from the woman who finds joy in her role as wife, mother and homemaker.  This verse brought some revelation:

Proverbs 31:12  She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.

What I notice in this verse is that there is no prerequisite to her "doing good".  There is no qualifier in small print saying "only if he also does good to her".  My actions, however, are all a reaction, based on if I think my husband deserves good or harm.

This cycle of reacting is exhausting.  If I tried to do him a "good turn" for every "good turn" he has done for me, I would be running around all day trying to match him- and for what? Keeping score?

Another problem is that I have been craving my husband's approval more than the Lord's.-- most of what I do is completely centered on getting an affirming reaction from him. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure that we've all cleaned the house from top to bottom and then gotten mad when said husband doesn't notice. Doing good to him just so he'll do good to me is a narcissistic approach to a good deed and takes the joy out of unobligated love.

I think I missed a large chunk of reality here: as a sinful man, he is unable to do good all the days of his life.  My expectations of him are unrealistic.  He has told me before, "you must think I'm perfect to meet your expectations!"

So how does this woman described in Proverbs manage to do him good all the days of his life?  She is doing this out of obedience, as unto the Lord.  It is easy to live and give consistently when we do it as unto the Lord because unlike our earthly spouses, the Lord never changes, His mercies are new every morning.  He never fails and He never disappoints.  The truth is, I have put my husband on the throne where the Lord belongs, and my husband NEVER ASKED TO BE THERE.  Although it may be flattering for a while to be put on a pedestal, in the end they scream "get me down from here!" because it's not fair to give him a task that wasn't meant for him--The job to give me unending joy is unreachable because He didn't create me in my mother's womb, he doesn't know the number of my days or how many hairs are on my head.  He does know the little things like I like to drink too much sweet creamer in my coffee and the fact that there's a messy person hiding inside me... who often gets out.  But at the end of the day he doesn't know my heart because he's not my maker.

When we were first married, I believed a lie that when you've found "happily ever after", your search for contentment is over, but "happily ever after" is HEAVEN... no earthly thing was ever meant to bring eternal satisfaction.

Lord, help me take my husband off the throne that belongs to you. I surrender the desire to gain his approval and confess that he has been my idol for over five years.  Let me never forget that YOU are my joy, my hope, my father, my maker, the lover of my soul.  This earthly marriage is temporary, but you are forever.  Help me to learn that I can do the best to my husband by first being a woman who runs hard after You!


I love you Scott.