If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. If they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees. Let no one go there unwarned and unprayed for. ~ Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Tuesday, January 22

Dead Ends

Sometimes... I have no idea where I am going or where I'm being led.

I know that His light is a lamp unto my feet.  The road ahead need not be lit ...for why do I need to know where I'm going if the only thing that matters is Who I'm following?  And when the Most High God is the one I'm following, what more could I possibly want for?

But along some roads we often imagine what might come next and can't help but anticipate and want violently to see a wish come true.  What might be. What could be. Where I wish He was taking me.

The whole time is a small, tender voice warning that our ways are not His ways... and we cannot fathom His reasons.

We often get angry over how something that clearly seems "meant to be" often ends in a dead end.

A heart breaking dead end. 

We had so many doors open to pursue IVF; we flew to another country and have been here for almost two weeks, going through grueling amounts of hormone injections and various ultrasounds, blood work, paper work etc.  We've got one shot at this.  Everything was going well, the doctor performed a small procedure to remove the eggs and then fertilized them; the next step is watching then via microscope to see them split and divide and grow.

Then the nurse called yesterday to say that none of the embryos developed after fertilization; none survived.  I didn't understand. 

The call came while we were eating lunch at the mall. No amount of awkward or curious or sympathetic looks could stop the tears from coming fast and strong.  I continued to sob on the walk home, all the time frantically wondering the fastest way to ease this pain.  Massage? Pedicure? go shopping? Anything to get my mind off this.  Eh. Those all require me to be around people.  And spend money.  Which we have substantially less of now.  So I head to the fitness center of the hotel and jog slowly on the treadmill and listened to "10,000 reasons".

"Bless the Lord, oh my soul.  Oh my soul."

My head knows that He is good and kind, and that an act like this: another failed fertility procedure, is not absent of mercy, tenderness and grace. 

But hot, bitter tears fell down my face as I pounded the treadmill.  I did not feel willing to bless the Lord.

Anger, confusion and uncertainty gave more energy so I sped up the pace and ran another mile.  I let the song play over and over again. 

Yesterday we went to see the doctor to hear some explanation of why the embryos could not survive.  But the nurse came with a small smile and said "Two of the embryos have begun developing."  We listened to the doctor explain more. This was hope... a very small taste of hope.

We waited 24 hours. Waiting, hoping and praying that those two embryos, who are fearfully and wonderfully made, will develop and be ready to transfer into my womb.

The phone call came today and I knew from the look on my husbands face that it was bad news.  The embryos did not make any progress.  It's over. 

My question for the Lord: "Why all the false hope?  Why the open door if it only led to a dead end?"  What purpose did all of this serve, this unnecessary pain and extreme waste of money?  Why make me feel like a fool for hoping?

I listened to the song again.  Bless the Lord, oh my soul.  As it played I kept thinking of Micah 6:8
And what does the Lord require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
So this was a dead end.  But the hope that I cling to is that I did not walk alone.

 Nor was it in vain.

Who knows what the Father is teaching me, how He is molding me?  What I consider a waste of sorrows God counts as a priceless encounter with Him.

Looking back in thirty years, will I mourn over this, or remember what it felt like as I walked with Him through it? 

Sing like never before
...Oh my soul...
Worship His Holy name!

1 comment:

Crisanna said...

<3 you, sweet sister.