The other night I became overwhelmed with gratitude for this pregnancy. Even though we had more than 7 positive pregnancy tests, a high HCG count and we've seen the heartbeat it's so hard to believe that it's really happening.
In November, Lord willing, I will bring home a tiny beautiful baby and my life with Scott will change forever. We will start thinking about things like college funds and little league- no longer about which TV series we should start next year or where to find good fishing holes.
I was looking back over my journal this morning, looking at the different seasons we've gone through while living in Asia... the longest season was when we were waiting on a baby-and a few times I mentioned fear about not being pregnant yet .
But looking in my journal at my daily prayers are also notes about my relationship with Scott. Man, we have come a LONG WAY baby. I recorded silly arguments and my irrational fears... in September 2008 I wrote "Why is my fairy tale marriage over?" after a fight. (can you say 'drama queen'?)
But the more God took me away from the comforts of America, the more He stripped away my confidence in superficial things, the more I realized how great my need of Him was. Our marriage went from good to WONDERFUL. Flipping to more recent journal entries, I notice a huge contrast: "I love waking up and just cuddling with Scott- he always tickles me and sings to me in the morning." and "Last night we drank peppermint mocha's and talked all night. I love my husband! I really do want to be with him all the time." and "Lord thank you for giving me such a great man as my husband".
Although I daily prayed and often cried for a baby, God knew what our needs were. We weren't ready for a baby. (Not without a fairy-tale marriage ha!)
Soon after, we began to realize that we were in a season of waiting. I began adding a request when I prayed. I asked the Lord to protect us from bitterness and give me the strength to bless His name no matter what. I wrote over and over again in my journal, I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, I will recount all his wondrous deeds. I will be glad and exult in you, I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:1-2
Months later I was reflecting in my journal about this and I wrote,
The last week I have said countless times that your timing and reasons are always perfect. We keep asking for children but always keeping in mind that you can answer 'yes', 'no', or 'wait'. Your answer has been 'wait' for quite some time and although we've been disappointed, you've kept us from bitterness.
He answered that prayer and we were able to celebrate with others who were pregnant, but I made a very big mistake. I was so determined to not let this 'get to me' that I didn't really allow myself to mourn our infertility.
I went to a women's retreat and there I finally began to admit how much pain I was in that we weren't pregnant. I finally admitted in my journal in September 09
I know God in His timing gives gifts, but I don't think I've admitted to myself how much pain I'm in. I'm trying so hard to keep from whining or complaining or stealing other people's joy, so maybe I'm internalizing the sorrow and it's causing me to act jaded. I'm sure my friends don't notice because I'm too proud to act like I'm the only one with fertility issues.
At the women's retreat we sang this song,
You hold my every moment,
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease
I was touched by the truth that God is my healer- and I learned how to mourn in a healthy way, and I rested in Him easier after understanding this in such a personal context. Not one month later I had surgery to remove Endometriosis. My next period came completely pain free- and instead of spending a week cramping and then the first day writhing in pain that NO MEDICINE could curb, I went about my day as usual and even went on a long walk. God used my doctor to heal my terrible menstrual pains.
We didn't get pregnant after surgery right away like we expected to- it turns out, Endometriosis wasn't the only problem. I had a few other problems that the doctor was able to 'get around' using IUI- and two weeks later we had a positive pregnancy test.
People want to give credit to doctors or special diets for overcoming infertility- how can anyone look at conception and pregnancy and childbirth and not see the Creator's genius creativity at work? How can we take credit for medicine and science? We can master it though study- but we will NEVER be able to re-create it.
I wrote this because I hadn't yet celebrated this pregnancy the way I should-- I guess I was waiting for more proof that it's true :-) silly me- my appetite for weird things should be proof enough
I celebrate God's timing- giving Scott and I a chance to overcome some challenges in marriage and also allowing us to get settled into a new country. And in that waiting period, He drew me close to Him as never before.
I celebrate God's healing- not only did he heal my disease, but he allowed us to get pregnant despite my other medical problems. (Remember that my left fallopian tube is completely ruined- and yet it was from the left ovary that I ovulated from. The egg made the journey from left ovary to the right fallopian tube successfully... and I'm pretty sure Darwin didn't teach classes on that)
I celebrate God's compassion-constantly fulfilling my needs by giving me a healthy way to mourn, and then a great reason to celebrate.
Read the post below to find about what miraculous things are going on in my 10th week of pregnancy!
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