I had an interesting interaction with my daughter yesterday. She was helping herself to sips of a friend's drink... that friend found it very cute but I did not. I pulled Joelle away and told her to come stand on a chair in the kitchen while I make her her very own cup of lemonade.
She broke down and threw the biggest fit, screaming and fighting me the whole way, mad that I had taken something away from her. I plopped her up on a chair and even though I was promising her that something so much better was coming, she fought me and wanted to go back to what she had!
I felt so frusterated that she didn't believe when I was promising her something better, and I felt like God was nodding a knowing nod and asking "Sound familiar?"
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Sunday, May 6
Friday, January 27
She does him good, and not harm
I have been in a season of discovery, lately, in my quiet times. A few weeks ago I found myself at the mercy of severe hormone swings and feelings that looked a lot like depression, especially concerning my marriage. Looking back in my journal dates and the times I have written about this "depression", it has all been in sync with the "inconvenient" time of the month- which I've read is normal, and most women feel their most vulnerable at that time.
Even though this seems 'normal', the depths of despair still scared me because I find great joy in my marriage and I don't like feeling trapped by emotions I knew weren't mine. What a blessing it was to need the Lord in a new way... I haven't leaned so heavily on Him in a long time.
With the coming of the New Year, I thought it would be a good idea to look afresh at Proverbs 31, and take some examples from the woman who finds joy in her role as wife, mother and homemaker. This verse brought some revelation:
Proverbs 31:12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
What I notice in this verse is that there is no prerequisite to her "doing good". There is no qualifier in small print saying "only if he also does good to her". My actions, however, are all a reaction, based on if I think my husband deserves good or harm.
This cycle of reacting is exhausting. If I tried to do him a "good turn" for every "good turn" he has done for me, I would be running around all day trying to match him- and for what? Keeping score?
Another problem is that I have been craving my husband's approval more than the Lord's.-- most of what I do is completely centered on getting an affirming reaction from him. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure that we've all cleaned the house from top to bottom and then gotten mad when said husband doesn't notice. Doing good to him just so he'll do good to me is a narcissistic approach to a good deed and takes the joy out of unobligated love.
I think I missed a large chunk of reality here: as a sinful man, he is unable to do good all the days of his life. My expectations of him are unrealistic. He has told me before, "you must think I'm perfect to meet your expectations!"
So how does this woman described in Proverbs manage to do him good all the days of his life? She is doing this out of obedience, as unto the Lord. It is easy to live and give consistently when we do it as unto the Lord because unlike our earthly spouses, the Lord never changes, His mercies are new every morning. He never fails and He never disappoints. The truth is, I have put my husband on the throne where the Lord belongs, and my husband NEVER ASKED TO BE THERE. Although it may be flattering for a while to be put on a pedestal, in the end they scream "get me down from here!" because it's not fair to give him a task that wasn't meant for him--The job to give me unending joy is unreachable because He didn't create me in my mother's womb, he doesn't know the number of my days or how many hairs are on my head. He does know the little things like I like to drink too much sweet creamer in my coffee and the fact that there's a messy person hiding inside me... who often gets out. But at the end of the day he doesn't know my heart because he's not my maker.
When we were first married, I believed a lie that when you've found "happily ever after", your search for contentment is over, but "happily ever after" is HEAVEN... no earthly thing was ever meant to bring eternal satisfaction.
Lord, help me take my husband off the throne that belongs to you. I surrender the desire to gain his approval and confess that he has been my idol for over five years. Let me never forget that YOU are my joy, my hope, my father, my maker, the lover of my soul. This earthly marriage is temporary, but you are forever. Help me to learn that I can do the best to my husband by first being a woman who runs hard after You!
I love you Scott.
Even though this seems 'normal', the depths of despair still scared me because I find great joy in my marriage and I don't like feeling trapped by emotions I knew weren't mine. What a blessing it was to need the Lord in a new way... I haven't leaned so heavily on Him in a long time.
With the coming of the New Year, I thought it would be a good idea to look afresh at Proverbs 31, and take some examples from the woman who finds joy in her role as wife, mother and homemaker. This verse brought some revelation:
Proverbs 31:12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
What I notice in this verse is that there is no prerequisite to her "doing good". There is no qualifier in small print saying "only if he also does good to her". My actions, however, are all a reaction, based on if I think my husband deserves good or harm.
This cycle of reacting is exhausting. If I tried to do him a "good turn" for every "good turn" he has done for me, I would be running around all day trying to match him- and for what? Keeping score?
Another problem is that I have been craving my husband's approval more than the Lord's.-- most of what I do is completely centered on getting an affirming reaction from him. It sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure that we've all cleaned the house from top to bottom and then gotten mad when said husband doesn't notice. Doing good to him just so he'll do good to me is a narcissistic approach to a good deed and takes the joy out of unobligated love.
I think I missed a large chunk of reality here: as a sinful man, he is unable to do good all the days of his life. My expectations of him are unrealistic. He has told me before, "you must think I'm perfect to meet your expectations!"
So how does this woman described in Proverbs manage to do him good all the days of his life? She is doing this out of obedience, as unto the Lord. It is easy to live and give consistently when we do it as unto the Lord because unlike our earthly spouses, the Lord never changes, His mercies are new every morning. He never fails and He never disappoints. The truth is, I have put my husband on the throne where the Lord belongs, and my husband NEVER ASKED TO BE THERE. Although it may be flattering for a while to be put on a pedestal, in the end they scream "get me down from here!" because it's not fair to give him a task that wasn't meant for him--The job to give me unending joy is unreachable because He didn't create me in my mother's womb, he doesn't know the number of my days or how many hairs are on my head. He does know the little things like I like to drink too much sweet creamer in my coffee and the fact that there's a messy person hiding inside me... who often gets out. But at the end of the day he doesn't know my heart because he's not my maker.
When we were first married, I believed a lie that when you've found "happily ever after", your search for contentment is over, but "happily ever after" is HEAVEN... no earthly thing was ever meant to bring eternal satisfaction.
Lord, help me take my husband off the throne that belongs to you. I surrender the desire to gain his approval and confess that he has been my idol for over five years. Let me never forget that YOU are my joy, my hope, my father, my maker, the lover of my soul. This earthly marriage is temporary, but you are forever. Help me to learn that I can do the best to my husband by first being a woman who runs hard after You!
I love you Scott.
Monday, November 21
Happy 1st Birthday, Joelle
Joelle,
I can't wait until you are old enough to understand the story of how we prayed for you to come.
Family and friends all over prayed and waited on the Lord, and in his very perfect timing
you came.
We thought that we were ready for you years ago, but the Lord knew that we needed time to do some other things first, such as....
...fall more in love with each other
...get used to a brand new home in a foreign land
...and learn Chinese!
The years we spent praying for you were not in vain... we were so eager for you to come that no time was wasted complaining over the morning sickness and then the sleepless nights!
~
Here you are the day you were born! You gave us such a scare because your heart rate dropped too low...
but Dr. Poonsak in the Bangkok Bumrungraud Hospital knew just what to do. 20 minutes later you were born via c-section.
Here you are just 1 month old.
...2 months old
3 months old and so much bigger!
4 months old and SMILING at everything!
5 months old and even the dog is charmed by you!
6 months old-- we threw a big party and you ate solids for the first time. Carrots-- and you still love 'em!
7 months old
...another photo from 7 months old. It's one of my favorites because it shows what a HAM you are!
8 months old- what a special time! You took a 12 hour plane ride and met Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Jason and Aunt Shanna and your "Georgia" cousins Grace, Baker and Brooks for the first time!
A little later, you got to see Gran Gran and GranDaddy again- you probably don't remember, but you met them when you were just 1 week old when they came all the way to Thailand to meet you
... then a little later, met Uncle John S., Aunt Briggie and Uncle John and your "Alabama cousins" Hannah, Sadie-Anne and Seth!
You love your cousins and they certainly LOVE you too!!
9 months old and still think grass is so strange! They don't have much of that in China, do they?
10 months old and you're still the happiest baby every one has ever known!
11 months old
1 year old! Where did the last 12 months go?! We were so curious what you would do with a cupcake...
would you dig in or just take dainty bites?
...you dipped your fingers in it and licked the icing off your fingertip!! Grandpa named you "Miss Priss" and I think he's right!
The cake I made for you has a very special meaning!
I printed stamps from Thailand, China and America onto icing with edible ink, representing all the countries that are special to you.
Thailand: the country you were born in,
China: the country where you're growing up
America: your heritage and nationality
vanilla and chocolate--- you liked the vanilla!
This was your personal cupcake. I put a suitcase as decoration because it seems to represent your life in such a large way already!
Happy Birthday, Joelle! Every year we will chose a Bible verse to pray over you, and this is what we chose for this coming year:
1 Timothy 1:5
The goal of this command is LOVE which comes from a
pure heart,
a good conscience,
and a sincere faith.
Saturday, June 25
Dreams Never Said, Dreams Come True
I'm going to take a break from my usual silly self today. I have a migraine, so I'm killing time and trying to relax by checking out photography websites, fun girlie blogs and drinking a yummy cup of instant coffee bought from Leanna's Bakery.
The combination of those things is making me feel all nostalgic.
Looking at some of these photography blogs, I can feel my heart swell and ache! Oh, man... to get my hands on that camera and just click until there is no more sunlight. It made me realize some things. I have some dreams never said, and some are pretty outrageous. Hm? What's that- you want to hear? Ok. I'll tell you.
On that note, I also want to go and find one of the counselors who observed me as a 3 year old. I read my old case files. Her prognosis: "Geneva (yup that was my name) has been exposed to too much. She will never be normal."
I'd love for her to see me now. (so I can break her thumbs.) but.... She's so right. I'm not normal. I'm happily married, I'm a loving, nurturing mother, I am learning one of the hardest languages in the world and cook great Mexican food. I've ridden the longest escalator in the world (which isn't as thrilling as it sounds) seen one of the Wonders of the World, been to 10 countries* before I turned 25 and plan on seeing at least 20 more. My family and my husbands family combined make up some of the most extraordinary people on planet Earth... and some of them aren't even from here. (haha)
I'd love to say all this to that counselor with a smile on my face... but would probably still sit in a bathroom stall afterwards and cry my eyes out because those words will always hurt.
On that note, I also want to be a counselor for families with adopted children. ...so I guess another sort-of dream of mine is to finish college, then get my masters degree in public services or something of the sort.
So... those are dreams that might come true one day. (Except going back in time.) But I have a lot of dreams that have already come true. You want to hear those, too? Ok.
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I hope you enjoyed this peek into my heart today! What are your dreams?
*the ten countries I've been to:
Ukraine
England
Norway
Dominican Republic
Belize
Honduras
China
Thailand
Hong Kong
Taiwan
(Honk Kong and Taiwan technically are a part of China, but they have their own culture, language and currency... so I'd say they are different)
The combination of those things is making me feel all nostalgic.
Looking at some of these photography blogs, I can feel my heart swell and ache! Oh, man... to get my hands on that camera and just click until there is no more sunlight. It made me realize some things. I have some dreams never said, and some are pretty outrageous. Hm? What's that- you want to hear? Ok. I'll tell you.
- I want to be a professional photographer. I want a camera lens so big that it gives me back problems. I want to photograph everything. Capturing our break-neck speed life frozen in a picture fascinates me. I want to sit at a Duke-UNC game and get the Cameron Crazies at their best (or should I say "worst"?) I would love to have a year of my life devoted to sports photography- I soak up Scott's Sports Illustrated magazines pictures- except of soccer. boooring. I want to be a wild life photographer. Give me a hide-out, some granola bars and coffee, and I could wait the 13 hours to finally capture the terrifying mystery of African wildlife or even kooky bugs and snakes in the Amazon. I also want to travel all around this amazing country I live in (China) and capture the dying traditions that Western culture is eradicating. I want to go home and dress up all 6, soon to be 7 of my nephews and nieces, and take pictures of them with their mammas and daddies who I love and miss so much.
- I still want to be a cowgirl. I wish I could go back and be one of the original pioneers in the West, because I would ROCK at that. I want to wear those long, lady-like dresses, ride my wagon into town to get sacks of flour and sugar and lard, then go back to the log cabin my husband built with his hands and get all 12 of our kids to help with the chores in the barn while I sew their winter quilts and tend to the vegetable garden. Then, when winter comes, we'll all head down to Texas to round up some long-horns. In this scenario, though, I'd like to be a blonde, again. I think it would look better with the leather boots. See proof below:
 |
| Me, when I was a "blonde cowgirl" in 2006 working on a horse farm |
- I want to go back to visit all of my old foster homes. I think there were 5. When I was 16, my mom and dad took me to see my foster parents who ran a chicken farm--nothing but good memories in that home. I was 3. So many details I remembered perfectly, but some, I realized, I had dreamed and created... like the magnolia tree in the front was not the sprawling climbable tree I thought it was. It was teeny.
On that note, I also want to go and find one of the counselors who observed me as a 3 year old. I read my old case files. Her prognosis: "Geneva (yup that was my name) has been exposed to too much. She will never be normal."
I'd love for her to see me now. (so I can break her thumbs.) but.... She's so right. I'm not normal. I'm happily married, I'm a loving, nurturing mother, I am learning one of the hardest languages in the world and cook great Mexican food. I've ridden the longest escalator in the world (which isn't as thrilling as it sounds) seen one of the Wonders of the World, been to 10 countries* before I turned 25 and plan on seeing at least 20 more. My family and my husbands family combined make up some of the most extraordinary people on planet Earth... and some of them aren't even from here. (haha)
I'd love to say all this to that counselor with a smile on my face... but would probably still sit in a bathroom stall afterwards and cry my eyes out because those words will always hurt.
On that note, I also want to be a counselor for families with adopted children. ...so I guess another sort-of dream of mine is to finish college, then get my masters degree in public services or something of the sort.
- I want more children... but more than that, I want to be surprised with a pregnancy. I've always wondered what it would feel like to wake up feeling sick, and then take a pregnancy test and be shocked. I'm so sick of ticking off my calendar, taking ovulation tests and taking a pregnancy test 2 days early even though I KNOW it's going to be negative.
- I want to give birth again, but I also can't wait to adopt. We recently found out we can become foster parents for some orphans right here in our city, and that might help the adoption process go smoother. I also want to adopt an older child, long down the road. I was rescued when I was 9, and I think I would like to do the same for a child.... there are so many more out there who, once they turn 5, have about a 6% chance of ever being adopted. I'm only 26, so this is a dream of mine that's about 10 years away.
So... those are dreams that might come true one day. (Except going back in time.) But I have a lot of dreams that have already come true. You want to hear those, too? Ok.
- I was adopted. I got my "forever family". I was in the 6%. :-)
- A handsome, romantic man pursued me, asked my father for permission to date me, then asked again for permission to marry me. My Dad said yes. Thanks, Dad.
- I had a fairy- tale, summer-time, beautifully simple wedding.
- Back when we lived in the States, I had a cute house in the country-side... no picket fence, but an accidental pumpkin patch, and a little array of flowers I fiddled with every weekend.
- I have met my birth parents, and was thrilled to learn that my biological father was not the monster I'd been told he was. He is a successful, sweet, gentle man who, despite facing the loss of his children in an unfair custody battle, has no bitterness because of his faith and trust in Jesus. This is another story for another day.
- I have ridden a horse on the beach. ....on an exotic, Thailand beach!
- I live in a different country! Every day I learn new words and things about the culture.
- I have a baby. A beautiful, one-toothed, nonsense- babbling, toe-chewing, baby girl. I can die happy, now.
*the ten countries I've been to:
Ukraine
England
Norway
Dominican Republic
Belize
Honduras
China
Thailand
Hong Kong
Taiwan
(Honk Kong and Taiwan technically are a part of China, but they have their own culture, language and currency... so I'd say they are different)
Thursday, June 9
Longing For Heaven
I appreciate every one's comments on the post, Battling Discontentment, especially yours, Dad. I'm glad you don't think that it reflects me well (made my heart happy!)... though it may not reflect me entirely, it is still there... and I am aiming for a blog that is not only full of cute pictures and hilarious captions, but an honest look at my humanity. I'm learning to live intentionally, not only with my marriage, my child and my work, but even in how I blog. No one would believe me if our blog was only filled with the good times, anyway.
Yesterday Scott let me scoot away to another city to sit at a Starbucks with my Bible, some praise music and several good books so I could just get away for an extra-long quiet time to think about these things. We call them "Day with Dad" and Scott has them regularly... now I see why.
I listened to a sermon from Scott's hometown club; Jeff talked about the weight of eternal glory. It was so touching, intriguing, comforting, confrontational....
It made me think about what my eyes are set on: the things visible, or invisible? What is for a moment? and what is eternal?
I have a new hope and longing for heaven, like no time before. Is it any wonder old Negro spirituals are all about heaven? They had nothing in this life to look forward to, their eyes had no distractions. In a way we can envy those who have had the hard, persecuted life; they are not blinded by the things of this earth are that can't be compared to the promise of Heaven. No time was wasted chasing things that rust and decay.
I made a little list of what I realized what heaven would be like. I'll share it with you.
And these three years we've been away from our family and friends? Like a breath- one moment is here, and the next is gone.
Some might feel disappointment with the realization of how temporary everything is that we see, like "What's the point if this is all going to be gone one day?" Let that disappointment give way to urgency. My marriage is my earthly gift; I have only a short time to love him, honor him and cherish him. It won't matter in ten years if he took out the trash last night; it certainly won't matter in heaven. I also have an urgency to enjoy the child God has given me, and to raise her to turn her eyes upon Jesus and feel a longing for heaven, not for this world.
Yesterday Scott let me scoot away to another city to sit at a Starbucks with my Bible, some praise music and several good books so I could just get away for an extra-long quiet time to think about these things. We call them "Day with Dad" and Scott has them regularly... now I see why.
I listened to a sermon from Scott's hometown club; Jeff talked about the weight of eternal glory. It was so touching, intriguing, comforting, confrontational....
It made me think about what my eyes are set on: the things visible, or invisible? What is for a moment? and what is eternal?
I have a new hope and longing for heaven, like no time before. Is it any wonder old Negro spirituals are all about heaven? They had nothing in this life to look forward to, their eyes had no distractions. In a way we can envy those who have had the hard, persecuted life; they are not blinded by the things of this earth are that can't be compared to the promise of Heaven. No time was wasted chasing things that rust and decay.
I made a little list of what I realized what heaven would be like. I'll share it with you.
In heaven, there is no cancer.What joy. The infertility we're facing for the second time will not follow me to heaven. These months we've been waiting for a second child- what are they? They are a moment, the blink of an eye.
There are no baffling diseases, or even the sure-to-come dread of getting older.
There are no bills that can't be paid. No living pay-check to pay-check, no pressure to prove yourself to your friends and family.
There is no murder, rape or torture.... nor any kind of social injustice.
In heaven there is no infertility. No miscarriages, no failed fertility procedures.... and no mother and father will have to bury their child.
In heaven there is no loneliness in marriage. There is no selfishness, no greed or anger. There is no disappointment in yourself.
In heaven there are no disasters, no tornadoes or earthquakes or tsunamis that devastate.
There is no starvation or even toiling for food, no labor, no feeling of hopelessness that you will have to wake up tomorrow and do this all over again.
In Heaven, there IS Jesus, the Father and the Spirit. He has prepared a place for me, a place where there will be no tears or regret, a place where I can't want for anything because He is not only all I need, but all I want.
And these three years we've been away from our family and friends? Like a breath- one moment is here, and the next is gone.
Some might feel disappointment with the realization of how temporary everything is that we see, like "What's the point if this is all going to be gone one day?" Let that disappointment give way to urgency. My marriage is my earthly gift; I have only a short time to love him, honor him and cherish him. It won't matter in ten years if he took out the trash last night; it certainly won't matter in heaven. I also have an urgency to enjoy the child God has given me, and to raise her to turn her eyes upon Jesus and feel a longing for heaven, not for this world.
Sunday, June 5
Battling Discontentment
I am in a unhappy season of life. I battle discontentment at every turn. Randomly, throughout the day, I think to myself, "I'm so unhappy with my marriage." "I'm so unhappy with living in Asia." "I have HAD it with this apartment." "I can't live here forever, these people are driving me CRAZY!"
For the first time in a long time, I begged God to teach me in my quiet time this morning. Most mornings lately have been a routine. (Oh, that was a sweet Psalm. Oh, I like that story from Luke.) But this morning I guess I'm sick enough of my Woe Is Me attitude, and I'm sick of the look on my husbands face when he asks "Whats wrong?" and I scream "EVERYthing!"
I want so share some of what I wrote in my quiet time this morning.
Nowhere in Scripture does God promise that we will be happy or satisfied by earthly things. Our satisfaction is only found in Him. This earth brings no lasting joy or contentment, and when I begin racing harder to find it, I should realize I'm running for smoke and mirrors. Lean back into the arms of Jesus and rest in His discipline, Christine.
Job 10
I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.
Why in the world do I feel like I can sympathize with Job? He lost his possessions, family, health, dignity. I have lost... nothing.
Nothing has ever been taken from me. I have an amazing, attentive husband. I have experienced the wonder and joy of carrying and birthing a child, and now spend my whole day being with her instead of leaving her with a stranger so I can go to work. I have an adorable, comfortable apartment with a dog who cracks me up. I have my family and my husbands family who love me and encourage me.
But mostly, I have the joy of being able to GO because nothing was holding me down in America... how many people would love to GO but can't because of health, financial or family problems? I'm the envy of so many for that reason alone.
And yet I complain.
As I write this, I know my battle is not over. Where does my discontentment stem from? It must be pride. My expectations. Nothing is ever enough. My husband is good to me, but why does he forget to take out the trash. My daughter was given to us after years of prayer, but why has He only given us one? I finally have an apartment with hot water and reliable electricity, but now I want one with more bedrooms.
Seriously? Ugh I'm so SICK of my whiny attitude. I know my husband is, too. Many things have worn on our marriage... but I would rather re-live that winter with no electricity and no hot water than to keep living in this state.
We're told to "confess our sins to one another", so I guess that's what I'm doing. A lesson in humility is so important, and it's easy for me to go on letting you all think I've made the ultimate sacrifice and am happy for it. The truth is, I'd be just as miserable in America because the truth is:
A mother and father can give the spoiled child hope when they stop giving the child everything they want.
I truly get almost everything I want.
I'm starting to understand our call to prayer and fasting. I did a juice fast last month just to help my metabolism speed up, and I also got a bonus of loosing a few lbs. During the fast I was so concentrated on the good it would do my physical body, but when it was done I realized what good it had done my attitude. I had to try extra hard not to be irritated at every. little. thing. I bit my tongue when I was hungry but my husband brought home yummy spicy noodles.
Denying my flesh it's desire of food not only made me healthy in body, it made me healthy in spirit. I'm not sure when or how long, but I can't believe I'm actually excited about another fast. So pray for me, keep me accountable and maybe even join me!
I can feel the hope welling up in my chest that this season of discontent will end and my joy in the Lord will return.
For the first time in a long time, I begged God to teach me in my quiet time this morning. Most mornings lately have been a routine. (Oh, that was a sweet Psalm. Oh, I like that story from Luke.) But this morning I guess I'm sick enough of my Woe Is Me attitude, and I'm sick of the look on my husbands face when he asks "Whats wrong?" and I scream "EVERYthing!"
I want so share some of what I wrote in my quiet time this morning.
Nowhere in Scripture does God promise that we will be happy or satisfied by earthly things. Our satisfaction is only found in Him. This earth brings no lasting joy or contentment, and when I begin racing harder to find it, I should realize I'm running for smoke and mirrors. Lean back into the arms of Jesus and rest in His discipline, Christine.
Job 10
I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.
Why in the world do I feel like I can sympathize with Job? He lost his possessions, family, health, dignity. I have lost... nothing.
Nothing has ever been taken from me. I have an amazing, attentive husband. I have experienced the wonder and joy of carrying and birthing a child, and now spend my whole day being with her instead of leaving her with a stranger so I can go to work. I have an adorable, comfortable apartment with a dog who cracks me up. I have my family and my husbands family who love me and encourage me.
But mostly, I have the joy of being able to GO because nothing was holding me down in America... how many people would love to GO but can't because of health, financial or family problems? I'm the envy of so many for that reason alone.
And yet I complain.
As I write this, I know my battle is not over. Where does my discontentment stem from? It must be pride. My expectations. Nothing is ever enough. My husband is good to me, but why does he forget to take out the trash. My daughter was given to us after years of prayer, but why has He only given us one? I finally have an apartment with hot water and reliable electricity, but now I want one with more bedrooms.
Seriously? Ugh I'm so SICK of my whiny attitude. I know my husband is, too. Many things have worn on our marriage... but I would rather re-live that winter with no electricity and no hot water than to keep living in this state.
We're told to "confess our sins to one another", so I guess that's what I'm doing. A lesson in humility is so important, and it's easy for me to go on letting you all think I've made the ultimate sacrifice and am happy for it. The truth is, I'd be just as miserable in America because the truth is:
a spoiled heart is an insatiable heart.
I truly get almost everything I want.
I'm starting to understand our call to prayer and fasting. I did a juice fast last month just to help my metabolism speed up, and I also got a bonus of loosing a few lbs. During the fast I was so concentrated on the good it would do my physical body, but when it was done I realized what good it had done my attitude. I had to try extra hard not to be irritated at every. little. thing. I bit my tongue when I was hungry but my husband brought home yummy spicy noodles.
Denying my flesh it's desire of food not only made me healthy in body, it made me healthy in spirit. I'm not sure when or how long, but I can't believe I'm actually excited about another fast. So pray for me, keep me accountable and maybe even join me!
I can feel the hope welling up in my chest that this season of discontent will end and my joy in the Lord will return.
Friday, January 28
Pants of Faith
After I had surgery to remove endometriosis and Scott and I were waiting on the Lord to get pregnant, I sewed a few baby things as an act of faith.
Here is one little pair of pants with little doggies on them... I tear up when I see the pants on my little girl. When I first started the stitches I remember repeating the prayer I'd been praying for two years, Lord please give us a baby!
After I found out I was pregnant I sewed a few other pairs, but they are still a bit big... I'll have to show you when she is big enough!
Can I thank the Lord enough for a child to put these on?
Had to take a picture of the pitiful drawstring. There was an agonizingly long tutorial how to do a drawstring... I skipped it and winged it. Now I'm wishing I hadn't haha!!!
Now my amazing sister in law is getting serious with her sewing machine... Shanna, I expect lots of adorable girly clothes.. can't wait to see your creativity at work!
Thursday, June 3
Our Little Apple
15 Weeks!
How your baby's growing:
Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple). She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds!- babycenter.com
This week has brought some more downs than ups- I was told by a local doctor that pain of any kind isn't normal, so when I began experiencing random sharp pains coming from every direction I tried to hold it together, do some research and contact my doctor. I couldn't find anything like I was describing in my books or online, and I didn't get a response from our doctor until 24 hours later.
This will be the last time I EVER listen to a Chinese doctor, because I'm having what every pregnant women gets: "round ligament pain" (caused when the ligaments around the womb grow and stretch to accommodate the growing baby)
Since I finally had a name for this phenomenon, I looked it up and found that it was exactly what's going on. Scott has restricted my housework and we've started having more classes in our house instead of in the classroom (because too much activity aggravates the ligaments even more). It's a sad day when I trust the Internet more than a doctor. (by the by, my doctor also told me that women with Endometriosis also can feel pain when the baby moves and touches patches of scar tissue! who knew?)
BUT, I have certainly enjoyed all this rest. Scott has beat me to washing dishes for the past week and he's so quick to hop up and cook something if I mention it- right now I'm waiting for a yummy chicken casserole, and a few days ago he made four cans of pickles with some spices Howard and Debbie sent us (I'm not kidding, they taste just like Vlasic Dill Pickles ooooh yum)
I think Scott is transitioning into fatherhood without even realizing it- and he's the perfect mixture between "Honey, sit down- you've been on your feet all day" and "Yes I see that new freckle; no there's nothing wrong with you."
He made a plan and has kept to it for paying for the IUI procedure- we won't be in dept from getting pregnant when the baby comes! and best of all, he randomly shouts "Man I can't WAIT to have that baby!" and we talk until the wee hours about what life will be like with children.
Cravings I've had this week: Succatash (green beans and corn). One night at 8PM the thought popped into my mind and I made Scott pause Criminal Minds so I could whip up a batch. Then I ate three bowls. And two bowls the next day for lunch.
The other thing I've craved is CHOCOLATE. At every turn I'm craving chocolate chip pancakes, chocolate cake or cupcakes, moon pies, brownies etc. (we did make some brownies but they weren't moist enough so I only ate one) Despite this unhealthy craving, I've only managed to gain half a pound back from the 9 I lost in the first 3 months. So I think this calls for a triple layer chocolate cake with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles!!!
How your baby's growing:
Your growing baby now measures about 4 inches long, crown to rump, and weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (about the size of an apple). She's busy moving amniotic fluid through her nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in her lungs begin to develop. Her legs are growing longer than her arms now, and she can move all of her joints and limbs. Although her eyelids are still fused shut, she can sense light. If you shine a flashlight at your tummy, for instance, she's likely to move away from the beam. There's not much for your baby to taste at this point, but she is forming taste buds!- babycenter.com
This week has brought some more downs than ups- I was told by a local doctor that pain of any kind isn't normal, so when I began experiencing random sharp pains coming from every direction I tried to hold it together, do some research and contact my doctor. I couldn't find anything like I was describing in my books or online, and I didn't get a response from our doctor until 24 hours later.
This will be the last time I EVER listen to a Chinese doctor, because I'm having what every pregnant women gets: "round ligament pain" (caused when the ligaments around the womb grow and stretch to accommodate the growing baby)
Since I finally had a name for this phenomenon, I looked it up and found that it was exactly what's going on. Scott has restricted my housework and we've started having more classes in our house instead of in the classroom (because too much activity aggravates the ligaments even more). It's a sad day when I trust the Internet more than a doctor. (by the by, my doctor also told me that women with Endometriosis also can feel pain when the baby moves and touches patches of scar tissue! who knew?)
BUT, I have certainly enjoyed all this rest. Scott has beat me to washing dishes for the past week and he's so quick to hop up and cook something if I mention it- right now I'm waiting for a yummy chicken casserole, and a few days ago he made four cans of pickles with some spices Howard and Debbie sent us (I'm not kidding, they taste just like Vlasic Dill Pickles ooooh yum)
I think Scott is transitioning into fatherhood without even realizing it- and he's the perfect mixture between "Honey, sit down- you've been on your feet all day" and "Yes I see that new freckle; no there's nothing wrong with you."
He made a plan and has kept to it for paying for the IUI procedure- we won't be in dept from getting pregnant when the baby comes! and best of all, he randomly shouts "Man I can't WAIT to have that baby!" and we talk until the wee hours about what life will be like with children.
Cravings I've had this week: Succatash (green beans and corn). One night at 8PM the thought popped into my mind and I made Scott pause Criminal Minds so I could whip up a batch. Then I ate three bowls. And two bowls the next day for lunch.
The other thing I've craved is CHOCOLATE. At every turn I'm craving chocolate chip pancakes, chocolate cake or cupcakes, moon pies, brownies etc. (we did make some brownies but they weren't moist enough so I only ate one) Despite this unhealthy craving, I've only managed to gain half a pound back from the 9 I lost in the first 3 months. So I think this calls for a triple layer chocolate cake with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles!!!
Monday, April 26
Where Credit is Due
The other night I became overwhelmed with gratitude for this pregnancy. Even though we had more than 7 positive pregnancy tests, a high HCG count and we've seen the heartbeat it's so hard to believe that it's really happening.
In November, Lord willing, I will bring home a tiny beautiful baby and my life with Scott will change forever. We will start thinking about things like college funds and little league- no longer about which TV series we should start next year or where to find good fishing holes.
I was looking back over my journal this morning, looking at the different seasons we've gone through while living in Asia... the longest season was when we were waiting on a baby-and a few times I mentioned fear about not being pregnant yet .
But looking in my journal at my daily prayers are also notes about my relationship with Scott. Man, we have come a LONG WAY baby. I recorded silly arguments and my irrational fears... in September 2008 I wrote "Why is my fairy tale marriage over?" after a fight. (can you say 'drama queen'?)
But the more God took me away from the comforts of America, the more He stripped away my confidence in superficial things, the more I realized how great my need of Him was. Our marriage went from good to WONDERFUL. Flipping to more recent journal entries, I notice a huge contrast: "I love waking up and just cuddling with Scott- he always tickles me and sings to me in the morning." and "Last night we drank peppermint mocha's and talked all night. I love my husband! I really do want to be with him all the time." and "Lord thank you for giving me such a great man as my husband".
Although I daily prayed and often cried for a baby, God knew what our needs were. We weren't ready for a baby. (Not without a fairy-tale marriage ha!)
Soon after, we began to realize that we were in a season of waiting. I began adding a request when I prayed. I asked the Lord to protect us from bitterness and give me the strength to bless His name no matter what. I wrote over and over again in my journal, I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, I will recount all his wondrous deeds. I will be glad and exult in you, I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:1-2
Months later I was reflecting in my journal about this and I wrote,
The last week I have said countless times that your timing and reasons are always perfect. We keep asking for children but always keeping in mind that you can answer 'yes', 'no', or 'wait'. Your answer has been 'wait' for quite some time and although we've been disappointed, you've kept us from bitterness.
He answered that prayer and we were able to celebrate with others who were pregnant, but I made a very big mistake. I was so determined to not let this 'get to me' that I didn't really allow myself to mourn our infertility.
I went to a women's retreat and there I finally began to admit how much pain I was in that we weren't pregnant. I finally admitted in my journal in September 09
I know God in His timing gives gifts, but I don't think I've admitted to myself how much pain I'm in. I'm trying so hard to keep from whining or complaining or stealing other people's joy, so maybe I'm internalizing the sorrow and it's causing me to act jaded. I'm sure my friends don't notice because I'm too proud to act like I'm the only one with fertility issues.
At the women's retreat we sang this song,
You hold my every moment,
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease
I was touched by the truth that God is my healer- and I learned how to mourn in a healthy way, and I rested in Him easier after understanding this in such a personal context. Not one month later I had surgery to remove Endometriosis. My next period came completely pain free- and instead of spending a week cramping and then the first day writhing in pain that NO MEDICINE could curb, I went about my day as usual and even went on a long walk. God used my doctor to heal my terrible menstrual pains.
We didn't get pregnant after surgery right away like we expected to- it turns out, Endometriosis wasn't the only problem. I had a few other problems that the doctor was able to 'get around' using IUI- and two weeks later we had a positive pregnancy test.
People want to give credit to doctors or special diets for overcoming infertility- how can anyone look at conception and pregnancy and childbirth and not see the Creator's genius creativity at work? How can we take credit for medicine and science? We can master it though study- but we will NEVER be able to re-create it.
I wrote this because I hadn't yet celebrated this pregnancy the way I should-- I guess I was waiting for more proof that it's true :-) silly me- my appetite for weird things should be proof enough
I celebrate God's timing- giving Scott and I a chance to overcome some challenges in marriage and also allowing us to get settled into a new country. And in that waiting period, He drew me close to Him as never before.
I celebrate God's healing- not only did he heal my disease, but he allowed us to get pregnant despite my other medical problems. (Remember that my left fallopian tube is completely ruined- and yet it was from the left ovary that I ovulated from. The egg made the journey from left ovary to the right fallopian tube successfully... and I'm pretty sure Darwin didn't teach classes on that)
I celebrate God's compassion-constantly fulfilling my needs by giving me a healthy way to mourn, and then a great reason to celebrate.
Read the post below to find about what miraculous things are going on in my 10th week of pregnancy!
In November, Lord willing, I will bring home a tiny beautiful baby and my life with Scott will change forever. We will start thinking about things like college funds and little league- no longer about which TV series we should start next year or where to find good fishing holes.
I was looking back over my journal this morning, looking at the different seasons we've gone through while living in Asia... the longest season was when we were waiting on a baby-and a few times I mentioned fear about not being pregnant yet .
But looking in my journal at my daily prayers are also notes about my relationship with Scott. Man, we have come a LONG WAY baby. I recorded silly arguments and my irrational fears... in September 2008 I wrote "Why is my fairy tale marriage over?" after a fight. (can you say 'drama queen'?)
But the more God took me away from the comforts of America, the more He stripped away my confidence in superficial things, the more I realized how great my need of Him was. Our marriage went from good to WONDERFUL. Flipping to more recent journal entries, I notice a huge contrast: "I love waking up and just cuddling with Scott- he always tickles me and sings to me in the morning." and "Last night we drank peppermint mocha's and talked all night. I love my husband! I really do want to be with him all the time." and "Lord thank you for giving me such a great man as my husband".
Although I daily prayed and often cried for a baby, God knew what our needs were. We weren't ready for a baby. (Not without a fairy-tale marriage ha!)
Soon after, we began to realize that we were in a season of waiting. I began adding a request when I prayed. I asked the Lord to protect us from bitterness and give me the strength to bless His name no matter what. I wrote over and over again in my journal, I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart, I will recount all his wondrous deeds. I will be glad and exult in you, I will sing praise to your name, O Most High. Psalm 9:1-2
Months later I was reflecting in my journal about this and I wrote,
The last week I have said countless times that your timing and reasons are always perfect. We keep asking for children but always keeping in mind that you can answer 'yes', 'no', or 'wait'. Your answer has been 'wait' for quite some time and although we've been disappointed, you've kept us from bitterness.
He answered that prayer and we were able to celebrate with others who were pregnant, but I made a very big mistake. I was so determined to not let this 'get to me' that I didn't really allow myself to mourn our infertility.
I went to a women's retreat and there I finally began to admit how much pain I was in that we weren't pregnant. I finally admitted in my journal in September 09
I know God in His timing gives gifts, but I don't think I've admitted to myself how much pain I'm in. I'm trying so hard to keep from whining or complaining or stealing other people's joy, so maybe I'm internalizing the sorrow and it's causing me to act jaded. I'm sure my friends don't notice because I'm too proud to act like I'm the only one with fertility issues.
At the women's retreat we sang this song,
You hold my every moment,
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
and heal all my disease
I was touched by the truth that God is my healer- and I learned how to mourn in a healthy way, and I rested in Him easier after understanding this in such a personal context. Not one month later I had surgery to remove Endometriosis. My next period came completely pain free- and instead of spending a week cramping and then the first day writhing in pain that NO MEDICINE could curb, I went about my day as usual and even went on a long walk. God used my doctor to heal my terrible menstrual pains.
We didn't get pregnant after surgery right away like we expected to- it turns out, Endometriosis wasn't the only problem. I had a few other problems that the doctor was able to 'get around' using IUI- and two weeks later we had a positive pregnancy test.
People want to give credit to doctors or special diets for overcoming infertility- how can anyone look at conception and pregnancy and childbirth and not see the Creator's genius creativity at work? How can we take credit for medicine and science? We can master it though study- but we will NEVER be able to re-create it.
I wrote this because I hadn't yet celebrated this pregnancy the way I should-- I guess I was waiting for more proof that it's true :-) silly me- my appetite for weird things should be proof enough
I celebrate God's timing- giving Scott and I a chance to overcome some challenges in marriage and also allowing us to get settled into a new country. And in that waiting period, He drew me close to Him as never before.
I celebrate God's healing- not only did he heal my disease, but he allowed us to get pregnant despite my other medical problems. (Remember that my left fallopian tube is completely ruined- and yet it was from the left ovary that I ovulated from. The egg made the journey from left ovary to the right fallopian tube successfully... and I'm pretty sure Darwin didn't teach classes on that)
I celebrate God's compassion-constantly fulfilling my needs by giving me a healthy way to mourn, and then a great reason to celebrate.
Read the post below to find about what miraculous things are going on in my 10th week of pregnancy!
Thursday, March 25
Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)
After our trip to Thailand for Intrauterine Insemination, several of my friends and family have asked for more details to have a clear understanding of the procedure- so I'm going to post all I know about it as well as our experience.... so this blog posting is probably not suitable for youngins.... or my dad and brother. Hahaha!
Scott and I chose to get IUI (also known as Artificial Insemination) because we have been married for 3 1/2 years and hadn't been able to conceive; we never used birth control because we were just hoping to be suprised one day.
Once we started being more intentional, but every month we came up empty handed. Last year I had a laprascopy to remove my level two Endometriosis, and we started taking the fertility medication, Clomid, to help things along.
After 4 months we still were not pregnant- we asked our doctor- Dr. Waikwamdee Poonsak- if he thought IUI was the right step and he said it was a good idea to do any fertility procedures now before the Endometriosis grows back and destroys anything else in the womb.
So here is the actual procedure:
On the third day of my period, I took 100 mg of Clomid for 5 days. We went in for a follicle scan 11 days after beginning the Clomid and the doctor found 5 maturing eggs (sizes 16, 14, 9, 8 ,4) and said that the 16 and 14 would most definitely ovulate in the next few days (the 9, 8 and 4 probably not) The follicle scan is important because it makes sure that the money we're about to drop on this procedure is not all for nothing- if you aren't ovulating, there's nothing to inseminate!
According to the follicle scan and my blood work, Dr. Poonsak could pinpoint that I would ovulate 4 days from then.
36 hours before the procedure, I went back to the hospital for a booster shot. This shot triggers the mature eggs to leave the ovaries and begin the journey down the tubes.
On the said day, the technicians separate the sperm from the semen, and also extract the healthiest sperm with the help of a microscope.
For my part, I simply rested on a table much like you would for a pap smear, and after opening my cervix with that thing that looks like a ducks mouth, he used a long flexible needle to put the sperm all the way in my cervix next to my fallopian tubes.
The whole procedure lasted about 5 minutes, and although it was a tad uncomfortable, there was no bleeding. I rested in the doctors office for 30 minutes. Some doctors will cap the cervix with a special tool that you can later remove on your own, but my doctor did not.
For the two weeks following the procedure, I took 10mg of progesterone to prevent a 'chemical pregnancy' or an early miscarriage.
We chose this procedure because Scott's sperm count, although high, has a lower number of active swimmers. We also found out that my body wasn't producing the cervical mucous that the sperm needs to swim through- so that alone could be why we failed to get pregnant.
We also chose to opt for a fertility treatment so soon because there is no cure for Endometriosis, and with every period, there is more build up of scar tissue- our window of opportunity was closing quickly.
One of our biggest questions about this before we went was how much it would cost. Thankfully, Thailand is very affordable. The most expensive thing for us was the plane flight to and from.
Here were the costs, besides plane flight and hotel and our daily mango sticky rice treat:
Clomid: $300 for 6 months worth ($50/ a month)
Booster Shot: $ 215
Follicle Scan: $130
Blood Work: $ 25
Scott's Blood Work: $80 (this was to rule out HIV or other diseases)
IUI procedure: $ 266
Sperm Washing: $190
Duphasonte (10 mg progesterone hormone): $30
All together the cost came to $1,236. It sounds scary to see it written out like that, but you can expect to pay between $400-500 more in America for the actual procedure. Praise the Lord we live so close to Thailand!
So for those of you who asked, I hope this answers all your questions, and to those who wish you hadn't read this.... I'm sorry.
Read a professional explanation! http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html
Scott and I chose to get IUI (also known as Artificial Insemination) because we have been married for 3 1/2 years and hadn't been able to conceive; we never used birth control because we were just hoping to be suprised one day.
Once we started being more intentional, but every month we came up empty handed. Last year I had a laprascopy to remove my level two Endometriosis, and we started taking the fertility medication, Clomid, to help things along.
After 4 months we still were not pregnant- we asked our doctor- Dr. Waikwamdee Poonsak- if he thought IUI was the right step and he said it was a good idea to do any fertility procedures now before the Endometriosis grows back and destroys anything else in the womb.
So here is the actual procedure:
On the third day of my period, I took 100 mg of Clomid for 5 days. We went in for a follicle scan 11 days after beginning the Clomid and the doctor found 5 maturing eggs (sizes 16, 14, 9, 8 ,4) and said that the 16 and 14 would most definitely ovulate in the next few days (the 9, 8 and 4 probably not) The follicle scan is important because it makes sure that the money we're about to drop on this procedure is not all for nothing- if you aren't ovulating, there's nothing to inseminate!
According to the follicle scan and my blood work, Dr. Poonsak could pinpoint that I would ovulate 4 days from then.
36 hours before the procedure, I went back to the hospital for a booster shot. This shot triggers the mature eggs to leave the ovaries and begin the journey down the tubes.
On the said day, the technicians separate the sperm from the semen, and also extract the healthiest sperm with the help of a microscope.
For my part, I simply rested on a table much like you would for a pap smear, and after opening my cervix with that thing that looks like a ducks mouth, he used a long flexible needle to put the sperm all the way in my cervix next to my fallopian tubes.
The whole procedure lasted about 5 minutes, and although it was a tad uncomfortable, there was no bleeding. I rested in the doctors office for 30 minutes. Some doctors will cap the cervix with a special tool that you can later remove on your own, but my doctor did not.
For the two weeks following the procedure, I took 10mg of progesterone to prevent a 'chemical pregnancy' or an early miscarriage.
We chose this procedure because Scott's sperm count, although high, has a lower number of active swimmers. We also found out that my body wasn't producing the cervical mucous that the sperm needs to swim through- so that alone could be why we failed to get pregnant.
We also chose to opt for a fertility treatment so soon because there is no cure for Endometriosis, and with every period, there is more build up of scar tissue- our window of opportunity was closing quickly.
One of our biggest questions about this before we went was how much it would cost. Thankfully, Thailand is very affordable. The most expensive thing for us was the plane flight to and from.
Here were the costs, besides plane flight and hotel and our daily mango sticky rice treat:
Clomid: $300 for 6 months worth ($50/ a month)
Booster Shot: $ 215
Follicle Scan: $130
Blood Work: $ 25
Scott's Blood Work: $80 (this was to rule out HIV or other diseases)
IUI procedure: $ 266
Sperm Washing: $190
Duphasonte (10 mg progesterone hormone): $30
All together the cost came to $1,236. It sounds scary to see it written out like that, but you can expect to pay between $400-500 more in America for the actual procedure. Praise the Lord we live so close to Thailand!
So for those of you who asked, I hope this answers all your questions, and to those who wish you hadn't read this.... I'm sorry.
Read a professional explanation! http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html
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